“Total Package” -Daily Prompt-Pick Me Up

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The irony of this prompt is that I was JUST having a deep conversation via text with my VSF. We have these “textcapades” at least three times a year (or something like that). In these “textcapades” we playfully debate about who is the “doper” person. It is hilarious and sickeningly cute. We both think the other person is “doper”, and we are both blushing at the end of the diatribe.

One of the things he says to me that “gets me every time” is when he calls me the “total package”.

He says I am:

Beautiful

Sexy

Brilliant

Creative…

…and he goes on to list various attributes such as my culinary skills etc. Then I interrupt him and say, “but I am brain damaged and crazy” (I know, I know…I’m not good with compliments)

His rebuttal gets me as well:

First of all,even WITH your injury, you are still the most brilliant person I know, and if you are crazy???… I want the whole world to go insane.

Kinda cool huh?

Peace,

“Star”

Prompt: https://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/pick-me-up/

Photo credit: harveysoftware.blogspot.com

In Other Words:

http://angelocrux.wordpress.com/2014/05/06/pick-me-up/
http://lifeisgreat0.wordpress.com/2014/05/06/dinner-is-ready/
http://learningneverstops.wordpress.com/2014/05/06/daily-post-pick-me-up-thank-you/
http://flowersandbreezes.wordpress.com/2014/05/06/words-no-more/
http://marthakennedy.wordpress.com/2014/05/06/le-parole/

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Update: As Good As It Gets (Warning Language)

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Disclaimer: For those who are sick of “this shit” or “me bitching” scroll on by. For real. I wasn’t writing this for y’all anyway.

The man I refer to as my VSF is so dope. He listens to me without brushing me off. Doesn’t make fun of me if I repeat myself (which I do, a lot).And he checks up on me almost daily. It is an awesome feeling. He listened with concern while I talked about being scared regarding my annual cerebral angiogram coming up on May 13th, It is a surgery , so no matter how many people tell me it is no big deal or that I had it done before(I do not remember cuz I was UNCONSCIOUS!!!. I don’t want my fuckin brain poked at. However, I do wanna poke some other people’s brains, and maybe they will stop being so insensitive.

Because:

My short term memory is not getting better.

As a matter of fact, on some days it seems to be getting worse. I have been trying to keep my mind sharp by writing, and I try to write one to two pages a day of my novel. Why today did I forget one of the main character’s name? Why did I leave my microwave popcorn in the microwave last night? I also forgot the password to my (this) blog so I have to copy and paste what I write to an email and then copy and paste that to an app on my iPhone.
Speaking of apps, thank God for the “to do list app” because I have a myriad of doctors’ appointments next week.

I am not stupid.

As a matter of fact, I am still highly intelligent. I may walk slowly because my left side can be weak at times. Talk slowly because I am afraid I’ll ramble or sound confused. I may skip or add words when I type things out now where I didn’t before, but for the most part I live by the mantra: I had brain surgery; what (the fuck) is your excuse??!!??

Being isolated sucks balls. Mind you, I don’t live alone, but you would never know it. I feel like I am only spoken to if and when somebody needs something from me. I have actually caught on to when I am going to be asked for a favor. Don’t patronize me. Why? Look at reason # 2

I thank God for my Mom, my VSF, my brother k/d and a few select friends. (they know who they are). Without them, I would be lost and forgotten about.
If you have ever seen the movie Soul Food, there is a character named Uncle Pete who lives in an upstairs back bedroom, is cooked and brought his food by his sister, and very few family members check on him (from what I recall.) I feel like Uncle Pete minus the meals. I feel like a burden or inconvenience most of the time. I am only forty three years old. I should be living not just existing. I think if I got out more or talked to people more often, I wouldn’t feel so awkward in social settings.

Headaches. Again they range from mildly annoying to excruciating as shit. Today, it must be getting ready to rain because the back of my head is throbbing.(on a scale of 1-10 it is a 7)

Fatigue. My nap time is 2pm. If I miss my nap, I am fuckin miserable. Although, the medicine I’m on helps with my mood swings, if I am tired don’t ask me for shit.

Depression. I have been diagnosed with major depression. I am cool with that diagnosis. Why? Because I almost died, my quality of life has changed, financially pfffft, I’m in pain, and I am isolated. Major depression sounds about right. Besides my medication, I meditate and have manifested a beautiful house on the beach somewhere, maybe Puerto Rico, where me and my VSF will live. It will be paradise!!!

Then there are the grandbabies. They make me soooo happy too. They can wear me out, but yeah, I kiss em up.

So for now, that’s it. What scares me is that I have plateaued, and this is as good as it gets.

I’ll let y’all know what happens on the 13th.
Peace,
“Star”

Why Religion is better than Spirituality??-Not THIS AGAIN!!!

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***enter usual disclaimers about not meaning to offend anyone here***

I was surfing the web, but I honestly don’t remember what wave I was riding. However, I am almost sure I was coasting somewhere close to meditation techniques. On the side bar of the webpage I saw a link that said (I am paraphrasing):

Why Religion is better than Spirituality

I raised an eyebrow. Okay I am lying, I am not genetically predisposed to raise one eyebrow at a time.

I smirked.

Then clicked on the link.

Again, I briefly skimmed the article until it got to the thesis which basically stated (paraphrasing):

Spiritualists lack the organization to come together to help the community like a local church can.

And I clicked the damn X on the page.

There are a myriad of reasons why I clicked the X, but for brevity sake, I will provide one or two examples:

1-A teenager was excommunicated from her church because it was discovered that she was pregnant. I did not know you could kick anyone out of a baptist church. I thought only catholics did that. But, by all means, feel free to correct me if I am wrong. That was a time in her life that she needed to be Loved and supported the most.

I just…can’t.

2-A co-worker and close friend of mine was living with her children’s father. She was being physically and mentally abused, and the father even threatened that if she left, he would take their children and disappear. She was terrified to call the police or go to a shelter for fear of retaliation before she had a chance to get away. During her free time at work, because she wasn’t able to do research at home, she found an apartment in another state. All she needed was money for a moving trailer and the security deposit. After offering her some money, I suggested that she ask our church for assistance with the rest. I thought for sure they would help out a new member with getting her life together.

I was sickened by the church’s response.

Apparently, my friend did not tithe regularly, and therefore, the church refused to help her.

Wow!!! How Loving!! How Christian!!

What would Jesus say? Better yet, to use a coined phrase (pun intended):

What Would Jesus Do??

After pondering that question, a group of us “unorganized Spiritual folk” took up a collection for her. It was enough for her to make the trip, and move into her apartment. We also were able to get a grocery store card for her and her children.

Furthermore, no matter WHO your higher power is, isn’t the WHOLE point of all his/her/it’s teachings to LOVE one another??

Oh my friend? We didn’t hear from her for a while because she was so afraid of being found., but about six months later, I got an email from her at work. She thanked us profusely and told us they were all safe, and she was even going to school to be a counselor for abused women.

So much for Spiritualists lack of organization.

Peace,

Star

Photo Credit: mq1.jpg?v=ca8f44

 

Customer Service or Customer Sarcasm-The Last Thing that Made Me Mad. (Rated R for Language)

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My long term disability case manager should have taken sensitivity training before becoming employed, or if doesn’t like his job or working with people, he should fucking retire. All this man does is demand that I get records, demand that I follow up on those records, demand I keep him abreast of all of my doctors and doctors’ appointments. Make sure those doctors send him their records about the appointment and then follow up with them as well. Which would be fine if I had a normal brain without short term memory issues. But if THAT was the case I wouldn’t need to be on disability. I would fuckin go back to work. But that is not the case.

Read my “about” page to get caught up on my health situation

This poses the questions:

WHAT THE FUCK DOES MY CASE WORKER DO ALL DAY???

WHY DO I HAVE TO FOLLOW UP ON HIS REQUESTS FOR INFORMATION???

SHOULDN’T HE DO IT???

And some final questions:

WHY CAN’T HIS CLIENTS HAVE HIS EMAIL ADDRESS??? I mean I know I have brain damage, but it would only make sense that a client with short term memory issues be allowed to send an email to her case worker so she can have an save this information in writing.

THE FINAL QUESTION:

Does he have to be a condescending asshole to me when he calls and leaves messages? I didn’t want my brain to explode. I don’t want to be disabled. I paid into this benefit when I was employed. It doesn’t cost my case manager a thing. So why the fuck is he such an ass puppet to me? The last time he made me so upset, I called his supervisor and left a sobbing message. (Before my meds were adjusted). I could remember him being nice for about two more phone calls and then he went back to being an ass.

The last time he had the nerve to ask me, so there is nothing physically wrong with you, you just have mental issues?

Bitch, I has a brain aneurysm rupture in the hippocampus of my brain (which is the emotional center of one’s brain). THAT WAS PHYSICAL!!!I’m assuming this man has a college degree??? Can he use his deduction skills??? Again, I have brain damage, and it makes sense to me.

(wooooooosaaaaaah)

I still hate him.

For real.

Any other suggestions?

“Star”

Ps. I think I found a website where I can complain. I’ll just copy and paste this blog…lol

Blog Prompt: http://wordpress.com/read/post/id/489937/75403/

Photo credit: www.gesupplydiscrimination.com

 

 

 

Superwoman Took Off Her Cape and Hung Herself With It. (Warning Explicit Language)

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I apologize for another “rant”. But I am not seeing a doctor yet because my insurance just came in (throws confetti).I need a referral and my PCP appointment isn’t until next month. So if y’all want to click the X now feel free. This is more for me and the other members of my “Annie” family.

Apparently, I was one bad bitch before I got ill. I worked two jobs over 60 hours a week, and managed to go to poetry venues maybe once a week or so. Friday nights I would go to my sister’s house (Hi Kei) even when I had to teach class on Saturday mornings. (Mind you the college was over an hour away). I would then go food shopping, cook for the week and clean  I mean REALLY CLEAN – not that surface shit) my “bungalow”, and on most Sundays I would see my VSF and put him to sleep (sorry about that, but my motto is if you’re gonna do something do it to the best of your ability). Then I would get up, cook him breakfast, go to the Laundromat, remake the bed, grade essays, and then either read or write until after midnight, getting up at six am on Monday morning to do it all over again. My VSF called me a mutant and my sister was always shocked at my energy

Then, over a year and three months ago, my brain exploded.

Since then, (well- read my “about” page). I am really trying. Really. My headaches are intolerable sometimes. I get them:

when the barometric pressure drops

when the Moon is full

when it is too noisy

if I get worried

if I have a lot of stuff to do

when I am due for my cycle

if I get angry or stressed

(don’t laugh) but when I think too hard.

Like right now, I am pissed for a myriad of reasons and can’t wait to get back into therapy so I can scream at someone NEUTRAL. Because normally that helps. I have a MAJOR MIGRAINE and I don’t know if it’s because I am mad, because it’s snowing, if I am sick with a sinus infection or a cold.

I want to fuckin run away. Like to Hawaii. Somewhere warm. Where I don’t have to do shit but get up, and go to the beach. I was talking to another member of my “family” and she said “wouldn’t it be cool if our insurance covered some sort of retreat for survivors/warriors??? I laughed to myself and thought :yeah one of the activities could be beating a mannequin who says they have a “killer headache” like a piñata. But we couldn’t because we would have to sleep two days after the fact.

Not to mention Social Security. I am going to sum that up in one statement; if I was a damn drug addict, I would have Social Security by now.

I can’t imagine what Annie survivors who have infants or young children have to go through. My heart goes out to them. So I am going to hang in there, for them, for the others’ who have it worse than me. I’m going to put my cape back on…well after this nap anyway.

Peace
“Star”

 

Stubborn Love

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First of all let me say that whoever is writing these daily prompts needs to be flogged (lol). I can NOT get these 80’s MTV songs out of my head.

Secondly, maybe they are doing so because they are sick of my poetry, because it is becoming increasingly harder to write poems on these topics.

Now, what am I stubborn about? It’s gonna sound corny, (I guess) but Love. Now I am not talking about the “I’ma stalk your life obsessed kinda love, but more of an overall type of Love.

I wasn’t always this way. My love was very conditional. A give and take sort of Love. It could be as simple as the morning in winter. If it was a cold Monday and I had to go to work, I was angry and hated the day. (Poor Mondays, they get a bad rap). Now, I look at Mondays in a whole new light. It is the beginning of the week, so it can be considered a “do over. It can be cold out and be just as beautiful. The crisp air filling my lungs to remind me how fascinating and intricate Life is. This could be said of any day in any season. Just think about the beauty of each day and how it is a gift.

People are also gifts. Yes, their behavior sometimes isn’t and some people can be inherently evil, but they can be used as an example of how not to be. So I try not to hate people. (Sh*t it gets increasingly hard sometimes especially if those “people” hurt people I Love. Then you will see another part of me.)

I Love making others happy. And very recently, I have learned to make myself happy as well. In the morning, I have to have my quiet time. I take my meds,  make a cup of coffee (Hi The Culture Monk!!) write then read (or vice versa) and basically just chill out. If I have a migraine, (which happens frequently) I’ll go back to sleep. Now, of course I don’t Love being sick. But I am in Love with being alive, so that makes appreciate little things that most people may overlook.

Why am I so “positive”? Well besides the obvious, (read my about page). Have you ever been around someone who is miserable? Someone who cannot find one thing to be happy about? Who will make an excuse or debate you when you try to point out the positive? Ugh.

They say happiness is a choice, and I believe that. So why would someone consciously choose to be unhappy and hate his/her life?

Now, I am gonna look for a poetry prompt.

Peace and Shine On!!!

Star

Other Stubborn Folk:

1. Care to Dare | Rima Hassan

2. On Homophobia | AS I PLEASE

3. There are just some things I like done or doing a certain way. The right way. | thoughtsofrkh

4. How Are You Toward Health Goals, Easy Going Or Stubborn? | Because It Calms My Nerves:

5. No surrender on Mental Illness awareness/tolerance | ALIEN AURA’S BlOG: IT’LL BLOW YOUR MIND!

Prompt: http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/03/11/daily-prompt-never-surrender/

Photo credit: www.fanpop.com

Let the “Introvert By Default” BE HERSELF, DAMN!!!

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Like I may have said before, there are days I need to talk, or better yet just express myself.

I was forced to become an introvert, and to be honest, I don’t mind it. As I was becoming an introvert, I noticed most people are annoying. Then some of them over exaggerate their problems. Problems that they in fact created and it pisses me off. Or my favorites are the people who are so miserable with their current lives that they caused themselves, but make every excuse in the world not to change it.

Most of the time, I watch and/or listen in silence. Why? Because no one listens to me anyway. I can count on one hand how many people genuinely check on me and care how I am doing. The rest either ignore me or think I am exaggerating. To them I say a resounding fuck you!!! My bad but it really pisses me off.

Yes, I am getting better. I know it; I feel it, but I am not completely healed yet. One of the reasons I know I am not healed is because I am still on three types of medication. I am also out of creative metaphors to describe the headaches I still get daily. I don’t feel like I should have to explain my sleeping or eating patterns, my anxiety about being out in public, or my low tolerance for noise.

Let’s not speak about the stress the federal government has been putting me through with the “affordable health care act”. I was supposed to have coverage on January 1st. *looks at date on the right corner of the computer screen*. Yeah right, that’s what I said. So I am on the phone with them all week long (except for Fridays because that is my “break day”). This week was the first time I cried because of the disaster of my insurance so it takes a lot to cry to make me cry because of the meds that I am on which were designed to keep me calm. I NEED TO STAY CALM TO HEAL.

I have my good days and on those days I laugh, get up and clean more, get dressed, talk on the phone and WANT to go out. There are other days I have tremors which lead to seizures, and I am exhausted and depressed. So I withdraw, stay on the internet, and sometimes ignore my phone. But I regret when I do ignore my phone because people don’t call me that much anymore.

So I am going to make some blanket statements:

I withdraw when I am overwhelmed or anxious mainly because I am nervous or scared. It is not a personal reflection on you or your company.

If I am not speaking it is because I am afraid to say the wrong thing or I am tired of being brushed off, interrupted or ignored.

There are times I wish they had to cut my skull open to repair my aneurysms so I would have a scar. This way people would have a reminder that I am not “normal” and be more cautious about how they speak to me or treat me. This shit isn’t a joke. I am not a joke and the ONLY people who are allowed to “make fun” of me are my VSF, my big brah KD, my sis Keinya, and my cousin Q. They know HOW to kid with me. There are others that don’t and it hurts my feelings whether I tell you or not. And I want to give a shout out to Q who takes good care of me when I am in her presence

I wouldn’t wish a brain aneurysm rupture on ANYBODY, and unless you have had one yourself, you JUST DON’T GET IT. Don’t tell me “You should be better by now, it’s been over a year” or that “you are so sensitive”. I have even had people assume that I “play sick” when I feel like it. Really?? Are you a neurologist? Then shut the fuck up and let me speak sometimes damn.

For the record, I can NOT WAIT for the day that I AM HEALED. But the reality is, if I don’t improve in the next year or so, this will PROBABLY as “normal” as I will get. Either be kind about it, let me vent when I need to, or get the hell off my island, for real.

Woooooosah.

Thanks for reading.

Will I Ever Be “Okay”?

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I am in a war with the state and federal government regarding my health insurance. They are pointing their proverbial fingers at one another leaving me in the middle caught in the crossfire. I fear I will soon be a casualty.

I’m scared.

I should be resting and healing, but instead I am making phone calls, sending emails, and begging. Because of my short term memory loss, I have post it notes everywhere to attempt to remind myself who I have spoken to and what I have said. I can sense the frustration in others’ voices when they ask me if I did this or contacted that agency, and did I follow up?

What I don’t understand is, this was supposed to be easy and seamless. It isn’t. Why do I have to do the following up? Did somebody forget I had two brain surgeries in a seven month period of time, and I am not healed yet?

Then there are the headaches. Not a day goes by where I don’t have one. They range from painful to excruciating. Yesterday, I believe the excruciating migraine was caused by me becoming upset about the fiasco with my health insurance debacle. I am on medication to keep me calm but I was so upset yesterday, I cried through being medicated. Thank God I had someone (I forget who at this point) fighting for me to at least get my prescriptions (for the time being anyway).

Then I become so angry,I want to be ignorant. I want to ask the government if their enrollment process had issues. I bet they have their insurance!!! But I know that’s not the way to get anything accomplished.

How long is this going to take to get resolved?

The longer it takes,the more time it will take for me to heal.

The longer it takes for me to heal, the more time it will take me to get back to work.

I never thought I would want to go back to work, but at least I had insurance, paychecks where I could afford food, clothes and pay my rent on time.

I have a fantasy that someone hears about my story and gives me an advance to finish my novel. The novel becomes a best seller and I pay off my debt and help my family out with theirs. Then I move to Belize, get married to my VSF, by a house where the ocean is my backyard…and relax.

But for now, I just want to be okay.

“Star”

Having No Medical Insurance May Also Result in Having No Home

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Because of my disability this letter took me four hours to complete as well as email, I thought I would share it with you, since I will probably receive more responses from this blog anyway

**For those of you who are familiar with this story, feel free to skip the first two paragraphs**

Please bear with me as I am unsure where to even begin.

Up until November 10, 2012 I worked two jobs. I worked in a call center specializing in Health and Welfare benefits, and I was an Adjunct English Professor at Camden County College. The reason I am using past tense is because on the above aforementioned date, I suffered a cerebral artery aneurysm rupture. In May of 2013, I had a second brain surgery in May to coil another aneurysm to prevent it from rupturing. I have not worked since November 10th 2012 and have been receiving Long Term Disability since February. My medical benefits through my former employer expired January 1, 2014.

I enrolled on the Affordable Health Care website December 19th and was approved for NJ Family Care starting January 1st. According to NJ Family Care, because of “technical issues” they have not received my information from the Affordable Health Care website. So twenty eight days later, I still do not have health insurance.

Thankfully, my assembly(wo)man’s office was able to assist me to obtain my prescriptions, which are life sustaining, for thirty days. Thanks to reporter Kim Mulford of the Courier Post my prescription drug dilemma made front page of the newspaper.

Now, I have eleven days left of my medication and no insurance. I cannot even see my doctors without my insurance card, which NJ Family Care says “to be patient, once they process my information, it will be sent to me”

Also, my Long Term disability Met Life carrier (Met Life) needs documentation from my doctors to confirm I am still disabled so they can reevaluate my claim. They also said that if they are unable to obtain the information needed, they will use the documentation already on file. If that information isn’t sufficient, my monthly benefit could be suspended.

Since that is my only source of income right now, if my benefits get suspended for any length of time it will cause a severe financial hardship for me. I explained my situation to Met Life and they strongly suggested that I contact any and every media affiliate, as well as political figure possible.

I am humbly begging someone to help me.

Regards,

Michele Mitchell

(phone number)

CC: Gov. Chris Christie

Sen. Robert Menendez

Sen. Fred H. Madden

Assemblyman Paul D. Moriarty

Assemblywoman Gabriela M. Mosquera

Kim Mulford (Courier Post)

Inquirer.Letters@phillynews.com

Health Check 6abc.com

NBC News Channel 10

KYW News 3 On Your Side

Huffington Post

President Barack Obama www.whitehouse.gov

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Is There a Fix? –They Picked the WRONG Writer to Piss Off!!!

Is There a Fix? --They Picked the WRONG Writer to Piss Off!!!

The below email was sent to all three of my local news affiliates and the Huffington Post. If any of you have connects and would like to forward this, feel free.

Greetings,

My name is Michele Mitchell and I will, to the best of my ability, summarize my situation.

For brevity sake, please see the attached link which contains an article written by Kim Mulford of the Courier Post.

http://www.courierpostonline.com/article/20140118/HEALTH/301170065/Delays-confusion-frustrate-S-J-Medicaid-applicants

Prior to this article getting published, I was scared and frustrated. I contacted the NJ State Legislature about my health care fiasco and Jean, my assemblywoman’s assistant, reached out to the hospital where I had both of my brain surgeries. An advocate at the hospital was able to obtain (with the help of Walgreens) a thirty day supply of my anti-seizure medicine at no cost to me, and I was grateful.

The next day the above article was published. A donor, who wished to remain anonymous to me, contacted Ms. Mulford and offered to pay for my Rx in cash if I notified the pharmacy.

So, of course, I did.

I was told by Walmart that I had to be present when the donor paid for my Rx because they could not release my Rx to anyone other than me. I then explained about the article and the Good Samaritan who wished to remain anonymous.

Their advice to me was to have the Samaritan come to Walmart and purchase a gift card for the full amount of the Rxs and leave the card at the pharmacy. Then my Rxs would be filled and when I was able to come pick them up, I would use the card to pay for them.

Ms. Mulford diligently worked to convey this information to the Samaritan as he/she had a schedule that needed to be adhered to.

In the interim, Walmart called Walgreens to verify the Rx and then I received a phone call from the Walmart pharmacist.

I was basically told that because Walgreens was able to fill the one Rx for free they should be able to fill the other two Rx for free as well and to call them. The Samaritan was sent away.

Dismayed, I called Walgreens to see when my Rx would be ready. They seemed more concerned about how to submit a claim to get reimbursed for the costs of the Rx than helping me, but told me they would call me in about an hour when the Rx were ready. They also sarcastically instructed me to NOT contact the Courier Post because they were trying to “help” me like they did previously.

They never called.

And Walmart turned away the only person who was willing to help.

If you have any questions or need further information, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Regards,

Michele Mitchell