Like I may have said before, there are days I need to talk, or better yet just express myself.
I was forced to become an introvert, and to be honest, I don’t mind it. As I was becoming an introvert, I noticed most people are annoying. Then some of them over exaggerate their problems. Problems that they in fact created and it pisses me off. Or my favorites are the people who are so miserable with their current lives that they caused themselves, but make every excuse in the world not to change it.
Most of the time, I watch and/or listen in silence. Why? Because no one listens to me anyway. I can count on one hand how many people genuinely check on me and care how I am doing. The rest either ignore me or think I am exaggerating. To them I say a resounding fuck you!!! My bad but it really pisses me off.
Yes, I am getting better. I know it; I feel it, but I am not completely healed yet. One of the reasons I know I am not healed is because I am still on three types of medication. I am also out of creative metaphors to describe the headaches I still get daily. I don’t feel like I should have to explain my sleeping or eating patterns, my anxiety about being out in public, or my low tolerance for noise.
Let’s not speak about the stress the federal government has been putting me through with the “affordable health care act”. I was supposed to have coverage on January 1st. *looks at date on the right corner of the computer screen*. Yeah right, that’s what I said. So I am on the phone with them all week long (except for Fridays because that is my “break day”). This week was the first time I cried because of the disaster of my insurance so it takes a lot to cry to make me cry because of the meds that I am on which were designed to keep me calm. I NEED TO STAY CALM TO HEAL.
I have my good days and on those days I laugh, get up and clean more, get dressed, talk on the phone and WANT to go out. There are other days I have tremors which lead to seizures, and I am exhausted and depressed. So I withdraw, stay on the internet, and sometimes ignore my phone. But I regret when I do ignore my phone because people don’t call me that much anymore.
So I am going to make some blanket statements:
I withdraw when I am overwhelmed or anxious mainly because I am nervous or scared. It is not a personal reflection on you or your company.
If I am not speaking it is because I am afraid to say the wrong thing or I am tired of being brushed off, interrupted or ignored.
There are times I wish they had to cut my skull open to repair my aneurysms so I would have a scar. This way people would have a reminder that I am not “normal” and be more cautious about how they speak to me or treat me. This shit isn’t a joke. I am not a joke and the ONLY people who are allowed to “make fun” of me are my VSF, my big brah KD, my sis Keinya, and my cousin Q. They know HOW to kid with me. There are others that don’t and it hurts my feelings whether I tell you or not. And I want to give a shout out to Q who takes good care of me when I am in her presence
I wouldn’t wish a brain aneurysm rupture on ANYBODY, and unless you have had one yourself, you JUST DON’T GET IT. Don’t tell me “You should be better by now, it’s been over a year” or that “you are so sensitive”. I have even had people assume that I “play sick” when I feel like it. Really?? Are you a neurologist? Then shut the fuck up and let me speak sometimes damn.
For the record, I can NOT WAIT for the day that I AM HEALED. But the reality is, if I don’t improve in the next year or so, this will PROBABLY as “normal” as I will get. Either be kind about it, let me vent when I need to, or get the hell off my island, for real.
Thanks for reading.