Will I Ever Be “Okay”?

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I am in a war with the state and federal government regarding my health insurance. They are pointing their proverbial fingers at one another leaving me in the middle caught in the crossfire. I fear I will soon be a casualty.

I’m scared.

I should be resting and healing, but instead I am making phone calls, sending emails, and begging. Because of my short term memory loss, I have post it notes everywhere to attempt to remind myself who I have spoken to and what I have said. I can sense the frustration in others’ voices when they ask me if I did this or contacted that agency, and did I follow up?

What I don’t understand is, this was supposed to be easy and seamless. It isn’t. Why do I have to do the following up? Did somebody forget I had two brain surgeries in a seven month period of time, and I am not healed yet?

Then there are the headaches. Not a day goes by where I don’t have one. They range from painful to excruciating. Yesterday, I believe the excruciating migraine was caused by me becoming upset about the fiasco with my health insurance debacle. I am on medication to keep me calm but I was so upset yesterday, I cried through being medicated. Thank God I had someone (I forget who at this point) fighting for me to at least get my prescriptions (for the time being anyway).

Then I become so angry,I want to be ignorant. I want to ask the government if their enrollment process had issues. I bet they have their insurance!!! But I know that’s not the way to get anything accomplished.

How long is this going to take to get resolved?

The longer it takes,the more time it will take for me to heal.

The longer it takes for me to heal, the more time it will take me to get back to work.

I never thought I would want to go back to work, but at least I had insurance, paychecks where I could afford food, clothes and pay my rent on time.

I have a fantasy that someone hears about my story and gives me an advance to finish my novel. The novel becomes a best seller and I pay off my debt and help my family out with theirs. Then I move to Belize, get married to my VSF, by a house where the ocean is my backyard…and relax.

But for now, I just want to be okay.

“Star”

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