Some would say that being angry is a waste of energy. I don’t agree. We should be entitled to our emotions. The problem arises when we choose to act on them.
Because of my medical issue (see about section of blog) I was put on a myriad of medication to heal and to calm me down. My Dr. explained if I didn’t calm down, my healing process would take longer.
For a while I was so calm I was numb. I honestly don’t remember feeling anything but sleepy. In mixed company, I felt as if I appeared slow. But according to others, I seemed normal. Deep down I knew I was anything but normal.
Before I was put on the medication, I remember my son getting “out of line” with me and I literally leapt over the couch and starting punching him in the face. Pre-aneurysm, that was something I would never do. Post aneurysm, I think about beating people in the head with a cast iron skillet daily.
So thank GOD for medication. I honestly would be dead or in jail because of it.
But I am also REALLY happy that I can feel again. I mean, I don’t like being angry, but at least I know I am not a zombie. Pre-annie, I was super emotional and cried all the time. If I cry now, I am so filled with joy it is literally spilling out; or if the cause of my tears is provoked anger—get as far away from the kitchen as you can.
Things that irk (for those of you with slow reflexes):
Noise. If there is too much going on around me, I get overwhelmed and become really scared. My fear leads to anger because I don’t like being scared. Oh and today’s R&B is “noise”.
Sarcasm. I am proud of being sarcastic, and I actually liked sarcastic people. It was an art to me. Now there are only two people in my life who can be sarcastic with me (My SF and my Brother in Love) and even they have to do it in person, because I don’t normally catch it on the phone. Luckily, I didn’t lose my sarcasm, humor or wit; otherwise, I’d be pissed off more often.
To the right…to the right. I lost my peripheral vision in my left eye. DO NOT COME UP ON MY LEFT; IT SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF ME!!! If you didn’t read it in the “noise” section , I don’t like being scared.
Psuedo doctors. Unless this has happened to you or you ARE a neurologist SHUT THE F*CK UP ABOUT MY HEALING PROCESS!!! You have NO IDEA HOW I FEEL OR WHAT I AM ABLE TO DO. One day I can be full of energy and ready to hang out with friends, or clean my apartment, or go out to eat. However, I usually have to take a nap before or after that. Then quite possibly the next day, I am in bed, and I can barely move.
Patronization. “Oh, you must have a headache, today; you’re crabby.” Nothing makes me want to reach for the skillet more and give the person who said that a headache.
Feeling like I am an inconvenience. If I could drive, I wouldn’t ask people for shit. Hell, I wouldn’t be home. I would be with people who don’t do the first five things on my list. If I ask someone for help, sighing heavily or rolling of the eyes makes it skillet time. Trust me at that point, I’ll risk walking and getting hit by a car before I ask for anything.
My routine. I HAVE to have it. I got used to it, and if I deviate too much from it, my short term memory issues kick in and I repeat myself more. Repeating myself is embarrassing to me.
This was cathartic for me. I am not so pissed anymore, and no one was harmed in the writing of this blog. Thanks for reading