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Hodge Podge of Hell (I Still Shine Update 4)

 

Hodge Podge of Hell (I Still Shine Update 4)

I honestly don’t know how else to put it.
The past month or so has been weird to say the least, so it’s been a while since I have updated you all about my condition. (see about page if you haven’t already)
Physically:
I want to feel better. I really do. I try every day to make the most of the day. I don’t know if it is the meds I am on to keep me calm, but I am so tired. If I don’t take a nap, I am grumpy, yet I can’t fall asleep at night. I still get frequent headaches, and they are sometimes scary and crippling. When I am overly tired, I have tremors which are also scary.
Mentally:
My short term memory seems to be regressing more. I constantly have to rely on Post-It notes. I forget my medicine, to take out meat to defrost for dinner or if I even ate, and I am constantly asking what day it is. I have a hard time spelling and/or typing now. I try to keep brain active by writing and painting on the computer. It seems to help until I get tired.
Emotionally:
I am angrier than I let on. I do believe my meds have kept me from freaking out or killing people on more than one occasion. My birthday and “annie-versary” was okay. It was okay because I honestly do not remember it. I remember getting a “scented wax burner” from my Mom and a carrot cake from one of my daughter’s friends. I also remember being very happy at the FB messages wishing me Happy Birthday. I am upset now because I can’t remember what I wanted to type. It was so easy ad I had it all planned when I was taking a bath.
Speaking of that, I am getting real annoyed at people who dismiss my memory issues. They say things like “I’m the same way and I don’t have brain damage. Or wait until you get my age.” I realize they are just trying to empathize with me, but honestly the sh*t doesn’t work. All it does is p*ss me off. Can I have my illness to myself please? I mean unless this happened to you, seriously, shut up.
Three people I knew passed away this month. (They say it comes in threes). I just couldn’t deal with it. The meds “keep me SO calm” that I couldn’t cry. I actually get relieved when I cry. I feel like I have “broken through the induced trance”. But afterwards, I’m worn out, and I need a nap.
I had a panic attack at my best friend’s Thanksgiving dinner. There were a lot of people there and a lot of noise and movement. I lost my breath, the tears just fell from my eyes, and I started shaking. My best friend had to take me outside to get some air. When I came home that evening, I fell sound asleep.
My son is being a super @ss. He is nineteen and recently acquired a girlfriend who is seventeen and apparently very immature. She is the type of little girl who needs to constantly pick arguments with my son to have him apologize so that proves he cares for her. I hear my son on his cell phone getting angry, and he treats me like sh*t for the duration of his anger.
My daughter is having marital problems. She used to talk to me about the clod she married, but this time she got so depressed, she shut me out which scared the crap out of me. She was all the way across the country, and I was helpless. She left, and her and my three granddaughters are staying with me now. I am relieved that they are out of danger and am thrilled to see their beautiful faces everyday.
Financially:
I’m broke. Point blank. Period. I had to ask my SF for money for a co-pay for a doctors appointment. He was more than happy to oblige but called me ridiculous when I told him I’d pay him back. That gesture touched me so much I “broke through the induced trance” cried then became exhausted from crying.
Christmas is coming up, I have NO MONEY to do ANYTHING for ANYBODY. That hurts so much because my amazing granddaughters are here.
My son said he was going to buy decorations, put up a tree and buy food for a meal. He reneged (possibly because of the young girl), and that broke my heart. I really wanted to help my daughter make dinner. So we will go to my best friend’s family’s annual brunch (good food less people) and make the most of the day. Because family and friends are what the season is all about anyway.
Spiritually:
Honestly, that is the only part of my life I don’t have issues with. I just wish I could meditate more, but now that my daughter and the girls are here, there just isn’t any space or quiet in which to do so. I suggested to my daughter that we do it together, but she kind of mocked the idea. So, I don’t do guided meditation, I just try to relax rebalance my chakras.
Which is all any of us can do right?

Until next time,
Peace and Shine On
“Star”

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