Last week sucked.
Two people I knew passed away. One was from a suicide, the other cancer.
If that wasn’t bad enough, my daughter is going through a really tough time. She is on the other side of the country and I can’t help her.
THEN I found out my estranged father only has 10% of his kidney function and will be going on home dialysis very soon.
ON TOP OF THAT, I couldn’t go to a gathering for the one friend who passed away because of my health issues (see about page). I can’t drive and out of the HUNDREDS of “friends” I have on Facebook, NOT ONE reached out to me and asked if I wanted to go or offered a ride. And I’m pretty sure a lot of people went.
THEN I got to thinking that MOST of those same people didn’t come see me in the hospital or have come to my house to see if I needed anything.
They just post to me on Facebook IF they have the time.
THEN, I felt guilty for being angry because, of course, this gathering wasn’t about ME. It was about the passing and the collection of Love offerings for the friend who passed.
I recalled someone told me of an individual whose irresponsible behavior almost killed him (he got drunk and nearly drowned) and they had a gathering and a collection for HIM. Instead of being humble about it, the individual strutted around like he was Lazarus.
Before my friend passed he and I had a diatribe about “Lazarus”, how inappropriate his behavior was, and that apparently he has deep mental issues that he hasn’t dealt with yet.
The friend and I then playfully joked that if he and I had a benefit, we would clean UP in donations. But our serious health conditions weren’t about making money or getting a feature at a poetry venue, it was about sharing our testimonies if and when God allowed us to.
However while I was recovering from my serious health condition, there was no gathering or Love offering for ME. I chalked it up to not being in the correct “clique” of people. Maybe it’s because I live in Jersey and not Philly? Or maybe people think I am an asshole? And you know what? I am okay with that, NOW. I mean I am AM an asshole at times, but at least I am REAL about being an asshole. I don’t fake it.
So, I just needed to get it off my chest because I do not want the anger and bitterness to consume me. But yeah guys, it hurt my feelings and it DID piss me off.
I was SO pissed off; I didn’t write much after my friend passed.
Not for the lack of trying, but it just seemed insignificant. I had every intention of finishing “NaMaBloPO”, but after hitting the backspace and delete key several times, I decided to “laptop paint” instead.
That soothed me.
Now that I got that out, for those of you who have a voice inside your head saying “this bitch is writing about me”, I would like to introduce you to the voice named “conviction”. Get to know each other. You may learn something.
Peace and Shine On
© michele mitchell, 2013
Photo Credit http://www.xahlee.info