I wasn’t going to write this blog, but I will…
I am being selfish for once in my life; so if you are sick of me talking or writing about it stop reading now, and no hard feelings.
Today is the anniversary (or as us warriors/survivors call it “annie” versary) of when I almost died from a cerebral artery aneurysm rupture. It isn’t really a day to “celebrate” more of an acknowledgement.
That’s how I am going to handle it. I am going to acknowledge the day, possibly eat some more carrot cake left over from my birthday four days ago and chill out.
What shocks me is the amount of people who think I am supposed to be “over it” by now.
The only way I can get people to understand what I am going through is to equate it with losing a loved one. The year after your loved one passed no one would dare say to you “it’s been a year stop grieving”, would they? And if they did would you still consider them a friend?
I am fully aware that I didn’t die, that I am blessed and should be thankful. But like my psychiatrist said, “You are grieving the old you, and it is okay to grieve her. You have to accept the new you and make her the best she can be.
First of all, you are the most hyper and impatient person I have ever met. You must exhaust your special SF physically, mentally and he probably had a hard time dealing with you emotionally in the beginning because you were so angry.
I wish I would have videotaped our first session; you could barely speak you were crying so hard. You were never going to heal if you didn’t rest, so hence your treatment was designed to calm you down and rest. No, you are not ready to be weaned off of the medicine, because YOU ARE STILL HEALING!!!”
Then he muttered some curse words under his breath that made me laugh. Every time I leave his office from an appointment, I am compelled to text my SF and apologize to him for me being incorrigible in the beginning, thank him for being there and Loving me regardless, and then I tell him what my doctor said. I normally get a little “smirky face” texted back to me with something along the lines of “nooooo really? you don’t say?
That alone makes me chuckle.
So according to my psychiatrist, I will be healing for a while. I told him about my birthday/anniversary day plans (or lack thereof) and he told me to enjoy myself and then relax. Ignore the people who tell you to “get over it” because like grieving the loss of a loved one, it will get easier in time, but it is perfectly normal to remember and reflect.
If you are still reading this here are some things you should know:
• I still get frequent headaches, and I still get really scared if it’s a bad one.
• The meds I am on make me tired, but I am not a zombie with no soul. The only thing that saves the people who piss me off from me leaping on them and ripping their throats out like a spider monkey is because I am too tired to do it. Well that and I am too cute to go to jail.
• I AM STILL HERE!!! I like company and cheeseburgers and Bud Light Lime, or Captain Morgan and Cokes, and guess what??? I AM STILL WITTY and FUN to hang out with. So call and come by, I’d like that.
• DON’T say you are going to do something with/for me and then don’t do it. NOTHING PISSES ME OFF MORE. Also DON’T SAY you were “going to” drop by. JUST DO IT. Shit nine times out of ten, I will enjoy the surprise.
• When I am nervous or stressed I seem to lose my “bearings”. If I am not answering a question correctly or if I seem to be acting “odd” keep an eye on me, but don’t panic. A simple, “are you okay?” will do. If I AM NOT OKAY, TRUST ME I WILL let you know.
• My sleeping patterns are erratic. If I don’t answer the phone when you call that is probably why. UNLESS you are one of the pseudo friends who said they were going to call you back and/or come by and DON’T. Yeah, then I am ignoring you for wasting my time more than once.
• The physical stuff I will talk to my neurologist about at my next appointment. Y’all really didn’t need to know that. I just like bringing up my neurologist because he is FINE!!! LOL.
Finally, if you are still reading this, thank you. Thank you to those who Love me and SHOW it. Thank you for your patience. Thank you for praying for and with me. I Love you all.
Peace and ShineOn