Why God Was Angry at Me

If you follow me on Facebook, you know I have had a rough couple of days. More specifically, a rough couple of months leading into a rough year.

***read the about section of my blog if you have no idea about what happened with/to me***

Without getting too much into my past to bore you, and if we have ever had a conversation I may have told you about my “brain” as a child. I don’t want to sound arrogant, but I was a “child prodigy” of sorts. According to several witnesses, I was repeating the alphabet back to my mother while she was changing my diaper at three months old, and I began reading at nine months old. My mother thought all babies were like this, so she didn’t do anything with my gifts.

That was until she became “worried” about me. Why, you may ask? Well because I couldn’t do the “normal” things that other babies could do. I couldn’t hold my head up, hold my bottle, roll a ball, hold a spoon, and I learned how to walk before I learned how to crawl. So yeah forget that adage, I actually did that.

If any of you have/had children when you take them to the pediatrician the either the doctor or nurse will ask you if your baby can do any of the above. My mother tearfully answered no to all of those questions and my pediatrician went to get “paperwork” to, for the lack of a better term, institutionalize me for what he called back then “functionally retarded”.

That was until I stood up on the little table, hard my hard soul shoes crinkling the examination scroll of paper making a lot of noise and walked over to the framed “Courier Post” article that was on the wall and began to read, “Courier Post: September…1971Renowned pediatrician Dr. Repeci was honored yesterday at a seminar…” (Interview).

There was a hush that came over the exam room then, according to my mother, excitement from my doctor as I continued to read and he brought in all of the nurses and they kept giving me stuff to read. That is when he finally said, “I apologize; she is not retarded. One side of her brain is just more advanced that the other. Don’t worry about the physical part; she will eventually catch up”.

The school district of course wanted to skip my grade levels, but my mother didn’t want me to become socially awkward so she kept me in kindergarten at kindergarten age.

I went on to annoy my teachers by finishing my assignments a head of time and reading their notes on the board that were in cursive informing the rest of the class what we were doing next.

My third grade teacher was astonished by me and had my IQ tested. At that time, my IQ was 150, which was “genius level”, so she gave me “extra work to do” to keep me “occupied”. While the other kids enjoyed recess, I was looking at shapes and reciting patterns of numbers forwards and backwards. I never got good at double-dutch or kickball, and needless to say, I hated school.

I really hated school when in the middle of my seventh grade summer when all I wanted to do was go swimming, I was ushered off to the local high school and made to take yet another test. Later on in life I had found out, I took my SAT’s that day and scored fourth in the nation!!! Not of seventh graders but of everyone who took the exam that year. Needless to say, I had full scholarships to all of the major universities in the nation. All I had to do was graduate high school.

Instead I got pregnant.

That was the first instance of God being angry with me, I am sure.

Someday, I will share the horrors of that situation as another part of my testimony

Now reader YOU are probably mad at me, because I said the first part of this was supposed to be brief. My bad, I hope you aren’t too bored.

But I went on to have two beautiful and amazing children. So God, blessed me anyway.

I wound up not only graduating from college but getting my Master’s Degree in Creative Writing with a special concentration on Poetry, all praises to God.

I wound up teaching English Composition Courses at the local Community College and sometimes mentoring poets and other writers.

Then the rupture happened.

My whole life changed and I got real mad at God.

He just laughed at me, until last night.

Then, He got pissed.

(Am I allowed to say God got pissed? Well He knows me, shoot He created me, so I’ma do it anyway).

I got mad at God because I was not understanding why He went to all of that trouble to save my life if I was going to continue to be sick, homebound and miserable. I also really got tired of people telling me that this testimony was not for me, but it was for someone else who was looking at me.

Then I got even more mad at God, and wanted to know why (as you may have seen on Facebook in a rant of mine) God assigned me the dumb ass who couldn’t get his or her life together so I had to suffer for them.?!?!?!

Then as a Christian, I felt HORRIBLE for even fixing my brain to ask that question.

Then God “figuratively” smacked me in the back of my head and told me to repeat “fixing my brain”

God, in His infinite wisdom combined with my faith in Him, has provided me with all of the tools necessary to “fix my own brain” by acknowledging, understanding and challenging its’ own power. Thereby, channeling my power, which was given to me by God.

I just have to learn more about me and be (no pun intended) open minded to acquire and accept the knowledge that is out there and my own power to align with God’s purpose for me to help make the appropriate changes.

I have a Healing and Loving Light within me that if it is in God’s will, I can manifest that Light to change my Life and the lives of others.

God isn’t mad at me anymore. I just exhausted Him because it took me so long to figure all of this out.

But at least I did.

Peace and ShineOn

“Star”

Next blog: Astrology: It is not satanic; it is a Gift…a Tool from God to Understanding Mankind.

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By peacefulblessedstar Posted in Sparks

Man Will Destroy YOU before you ARE YOU

For obvious reasons, I have become very interested in how the brain works, how much of it we use, how it heals and how much of it is controlled by conditioning and outside influences.

For instance, I have always wanted to know if it was true that we only use ten percent of our brain’s power or intelligence, and if we “reprogrammed” the way we think or believe we can in fact change our lives.

What I found out was:

Being able to map the brain’s various regions and functions is part and parcel of understanding the possible side effects should a given region begin to fail. Experts know that neurons that perform similar functions tend to cluster together. For example, neurons that control the thumb’s movement are arranged next to those that control the forefinger. Thus, when undertaking brain surgery, neurosurgeons carefully avoid neural clusters related to vision, hearing and movement, enabling the brain to retain as many of its functions as possible.

What’s not understood is how clusters of neurons from the diverse regions of the brain collaborate to form consciousness. So far, there’s no evidence that there is one site for consciousness, which leads experts to believe that it is truly a collective neural effort. Another mystery hidden within our crinkled cortices is that out of all the brain’s cells, only 10 percent are neurons; the other 90 percent are glial cells, which encapsulate and support neurons, but whose function remains largely unknown. Ultimately, it’s not that we use 10 percent of our brains, merely that we only understand about ten percent of how it functions. (Boyd)

All that to say, no we use more than ten percent of our brain, we just don’t understand how we use it.

You still with me?

Good.

Since we do not in fact understand how our own brains actually work, why do we as people put so much faith in others to instruct us on how to live, behave and believe? Wouldn’t we in fact need to learn our true selves before allowing some other person to guide us?

This is my biggest problem with religion.

Religion is run typically by man. Even if your religion has a female leader it is still dictated by another person. This other person interprets and translates a Holy Book and basically says, “yup that’s it, that’s what it says, do what it says, no you have no say so nor input and you may not question anything because if you do you are a blasphemous non believer and will surely perish in Hell for all of ETERNITY!!!

*enter scary music along with fire crackling and screams of pain*

So we live in fear of going to Hell if we do not listen to what another person told us to believe.

Why would I worship a God I fear?

Where is the Joy in that?

Where is the Love in that?

It sounds like an abusive relationship to me; doesn’t it?

A relationship that stops me from BEING WHO I AM!!!

FROM BEING WHO GOD INTENDED ME TO BE!!!

 

Okay this is where I contradict everything I just said.

*dodges random trash being thrown at me*

No, no wait, hear me out.

I consider myself a Christian. I believe in God the Father the Son and the Holy Spirit. I fully testify that I am a medical miracle who if it weren’t for God, firmly believe I would not be alive today to type out this blog.

 However, just like our brains I firmly believe that we only understand about TEN percent of the tools God gave us to use to get through our lives. That ten percent is limited to the Holy Book we study which is taught to us by a person.

People are all fallible.

This is where things can get confusing, so if this is too much for you, go ahead stop reading. Truth be told, I almost stopped writing because this is so DEEP that I was afraid I wasn’t going to articulate it clearly. So rather than confuse you and get TOO DEEP, I am going to get straight to the point.

*Everyone reading says THANK GOD, which in context is hilariously funny*

Read any Holy Book, no matter what FAITH you are, and the CORE of that FAITH IS LOVE. Most of the rules and ideals constructed in that book are constructed so that we will LOVE each other.

I say most because there are certain passages of certain Holy Books that still condone slavery, the brutal chastisement of women and children etc. etc.

BUT, FOR THE MOST PART THE CORE OF ANY HOLY BOOK IS TO LOVE ONE ANOTHER AND TO BELIEVE IN A DIVINE CREATOR.

So this where I ask the defining questions:

IF YOUR IDEALS AND BELIEFS ARE BASED UPON WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN TOLD AND NOT OF YOUR OWN IDEALS AND BELIEFS ARE YOU IN FACT YOURSELF?

IF YOU ARE NOT IN FACT YOURSELF, HOW CAN YOU LOVE YOURSELF?

IF YOU DO NOT LOVE YOURSELF, HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY LOVE ANOTHER?

 

Now, it was only through mediation to help me relax and sleep that I fully became aware of who I was. I opened up my Spirit and allowed my subconscious to show me my higher self and what my true desires were. I smiled the whole way through it because it was so full of Light, Love, Peace and Joy. Then I desired to channel that Light and Love to those I Love to help Heal them.

But in order to do that, I had to open my mind and BE.

No I don’t smoke weed, shut it DOWN.

For real, weed doesn’t open up the mind chakra so chill with that noise. If anything you are destroying the parts of your brain function you have yet to comprehend. All that to say you don’t have to be HIGH to ELEVATE to YOUR HIGHER SELF.

And YOU will never manifest your true dreams in life if you listen to what others think you should do.

Because those others don’t even know what they truly think because they have been influenced by others as well. Thus, perpetuating a vicious cycle.

If you want to be an influence, THINK for yourself, BE yourself, LOVE yourself, THEN LOVE OTHERS.

Peace and Shine On!!!

 

Work Cited:

Boyd, Robynne. Do People Only Use 10 Percent Of Their Brains? What’s the matter with only exploiting a portion of our gray matter? Web.

By peacefulblessedstar Posted in Sparks

A Foam Finger, Twerking, and Robin Thicke?

This was not gonna be my blog today.

I had no idea what my blog was gonna be, but this wasn’t gonna be it.

But my daughter insisted I watch what happened at the VMA’s and then write about it. I didn’t see the VMA’s, and when I tried to YouTube the performance, apparently, Viacom removed all the videos.

Wow, it must have been bad.

Let me segue real quick:

Did Miley actually have anything to twerk? Don’t look at me like that I am one of those “odd” Caucasian women who apparently have no shortage of um…”donk”. (Must be the squats)

For those who do in fact know how to “twerk”, I ain’t mad at you. I have a skill too. It’s called using my brain and getting two degrees. So, while you are struggling to get your associates degree and taking care of your boyfriend make sure you put down the blunt long enough to twerk for some cash at least.

Was that a bit much? My bad.

Secondly, I am not a Robin Thicke fan; he just isn’t impressive to me. And considering all of the “negativity” I heard surrounding the performance for him to “shout Miley out” on Twitter and say the performance was “dope” makes me believe he is in fact on dope.

Lastly, I must be old, but I don’t even know who Miley Cyrus is and do not believe I heard any of her songs.

Just as I was typing this my nineteen year old son walked in with his friend who may have been the same age or younger, so I asked them about the performance. His friend said, “Oh my God, it was disgusting. And for me to be disgusted says a lot. Mom, I’m sorry but she played with herself with a foam finger.”

My son just kept repeating, “No, No, No” over and over again as if he were traumatized.

WOW. It must have been bad.

I said that twice.

So then I was reading the celebrity reactions; they weren’t good either.

Wait, wait she used to be on Disney? Okay I guarantee it will come out later that she was either molested by Mickey Mouse or forced to do something obscene to Walt’s cryogenically frozen head.

I am so lost.

But should we really be surprised?

Music has stopped being music a long time ago. What happened to people who can sing? What happened to instruments???

What we hear today if we even bother to turn on the radio is a bunch of hyper-sexualized computerized garbage. Like some bored syrup sippin jerk thought it would be cool to synchronize the buzzing of vibrators. (Drake…my bad, but….)

Segue: I still can’t quite figure out why Rhianna is popular, but mark my word it has something to do with selling her soul, practicing voodoo and a sex tape with her, Jay Z and Bey. I never thought Bey was straight, but that’s another blog.

Here is my real complaint: She had on a “simulated nude outfit” BUT SHE HAD ON SNEAKERS?!?!?!?

See, where were the ho heels? If you are gonna attempt a twerk, even I know you need some ho heels.

Clear people, I tell ya.

All I’m sayin is I’m glad it wasn’t Justin she was twerkin on, cuz I woulda been fightin and mouse ears woulda been flyin errywhere.

Future for Miley: A continuous cycle of rehab and porn.

Next blog: I’m hoping I meditate tonight and I have something uplifting for y’all.

Peace and ShineOn!!!

 

By peacefulblessedstar Posted in Sparks

Making Love and the Higher Self

Sex.

You wouldn’t be reading this blog if you didn’t know what it is.

Whether are not you are presently sexually active, celibate or somewhere in the middle you know what sex is.

Even if you have never had sex before, you know what it is.

Now that we have established that everyone reading this blog knows what sex is (LOL), allow me to continue.

 

I have decided to meditate due to my medical condition, which leaves me with fear and difficulty sleeping.

 

Before I mediated last night, I contemplated about what I was going to write in this blog about the act of making Love. I was trying to come up with pseudonyms for the gentlemen I was going to be referencing, but then I thought that was none of y’all business.

 

And it isn’t really.

 

Now I am about to get, I guess, what some people would say is “religious” on y’all. I guess it is only “religious” because my pastor said it. But what he in fact said wasn’t “religious” at all, but it was spiritual.

 

I remember my pastor saying that sex and/or making Love (I forgot the term he used) was the physical act that allows us as human beings to exchange souls. He also said that when we exchange souls we keep a part of the other person’s soul and his/her part becomes a part of our soul. In jest, he said that’s why some people are “crazy” because they have all these souls inside of them and sometimes the souls are unhappy where they are and are trying to get out. I do believe the term he used was a “Sexual Sybil”.

 

***Now, I am not passing judgment on those who are, for the lack of a better term “out there”. I honestly don’t care what y’all do. Do you. I mean that figuratively and literally***

 

During Meditation last night/this morning, I realized something about myself. Now mind you, I am just a beginner at meditation, so this is all new to me. I realized that I am in fact completely in tune with my higher self. My higher self did not take long to recognize as my guide through the mediation helped me to achieve the state of relaxation to channel her fully.

Those who know me know that I advocate Love and Peace all the time. But it was only during the meditation when I was fully able to channel my higher self along with the auras that surrounded her that I realized, I have only truly made Love to two people and fully enjoyed it in my entire life.

No, you may NOT know the amount of sexual partners I have had in my life because it is not relevant. What is relevant is the fact that the two gentleman are the only two gentlemen who have brought me to that level of higher self.

No, this was not an open invitation for men to attempt “bring me back to my higher self”. Freaks. I am not interested, really. Because once you glow you never go back to risking darkness.

I have been told I have a “light” around me. My aura literally glows. Both of those gentlemen had auras of light that surrounded them as well. That’s what attracted me to them. I am/was also able to communicate with them with ease. For those who do not really know me, I am excruciatingly shy. I mean I can have a conversation with anyone that isn’t the issue. The issue is when I am attracted to a man I tend to refrain from opening up and just do typical idle chit chat. Both of the gentlemen I am speaking of, I unburdened my entire life to and they did/do so with me.

After I meditated is now the sexy part. (at least to me)

When I made Love to them, our auras combine and the glow that is achieved by that combination is almost blinding. The WHOLE ROOM GLOWS even in the dark.

The feeling that is evoked within me is as if I have been joined with an energy that has been made exclusively for my energy. But because I am kinda a freak, I will break free from that energy to “peek at the aura” of the gentleman who is with me.

That’s when he typically asks, “Where did I go?”

So then I return.

Now the first gentleman, is no longer relevant because he is no longer in my life so our physical connection is broken, but there are times when I still feel his aura because as I said he is now a part of me. He solicits my smile at times and chills me out when I am “rowdy”.

The second gentleman literally said that making Love to me “is as Spiritual as it is natural.” I wrote many poems about our Love making and they all travel to different realm that most people find “beautiful” but can not fully grasp. I don’t think they are supposed to because it is not their realm. When I read or share the poems with him however he is in awe of them because he has been there with me.

He is such a part of me that when he is away from me, I feel or sense his physical and mental well-being. When he is away from me too long, I “trip” because I sense when he discontent. I also sense his pain. Right now, he has physical and mental tension in his shoulders and his ankle hurts because of the “pressure he is under”. I think he realizes he isn’t supposed to carry that burden alone, but either he isn’t fully in touch with his aura or he is afraid to submit to it.

It is scary, but I am not afraid.

In closing, this blog isn’t for everybody, and if you don’t get it, it’s okay.

But to quote my favorite author Zora Neale Hurston, “you have to go there to know there”.

Peace and ShineOn

“Star”

 

 

 

 

 

 

By peacefulblessedstar Posted in Sparks

How to “Make Love” Correctly

 

 

Love.

Most people give it and get it wrong.

First of all, this blog is not about sex, so if you are disappointed, you can stop reading now unless you want to know what Love is then continue.

Although Love is in fact a gift, it is not a grandiose gesture.

That’s why Valentine’s Day disgusts me.

Don’t get me wrong, I like flowers and chocolate as much as the next girl. But buy me lilies or an orchid on a random Tuesday or Friday. Buy me a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup randomly during the day. But in my opinion, Valentine’s Day is a stressful competition for men to do outlandish things they wouldn’t otherwise do to calm their woman’s insecurities. Or vice versa, (shoot) I have seen women come out of pocket on expensive gifts and trips just to “show off” or prove to a man they Love them.

All that to say, that’s not what Love is.

I was going to say Love is as subtle as a prayer.

But prayer isn’t subtle.

Prayer changes things.

Ask me how I know.

I didn’t know this then as I was unconscious after my aneurysm rupture, but I was told when my “special friend” found out about my condition he “prayed the whole way to the hospital”. I also have a picture of him kissing my head which was wrapped in a blood stained bandage. Again I was unconscious, so I didn’t even know he was there.

That is Love.

Love is an action that you show someone without a debt or obligation attached to it.

To me, praying for another is the greatest showing of Love.

Because you can pray for someone without their knowledge and without anticipation of reciprocation.

Without them even knowing about it.

If you tell your Loved one you are praying for him or her, only tell them to encourage them, not for them to show gratitude back, as prayer is an unselfish gift.

And prayer is THE greatest gift you can gift someone; it costs you nothing but a pure and Godly heart.

Do not turn prayer into Valentine’s Day.

Be Love.

Peace.

ShineOn.

***for those who were “disappointed” the next blog will be about making Love through sex or physical expression. (I know, I know…hush. It’s gonna take me a while to get my words right…lol…so stay tuned)

By peacefulblessedstar Posted in Sparks

How Real Is TOO REAL For Facebook (or Other Social Media Sites)???

Facebook.

I never wanted to do it in the first place. I had enough going on in my life and the idea of making me and my thoughts “public” didn’t sit well with me. But my “Twinnie” insisted that it would be FUN.

HI TWINNIE!!! (this is all YOUR fault…lol)

So I created the account; I think it was FIVE YEARS AGO.

Jeeez that’s a long time ago.

Since then I have added and deleted a multitude of people from my “page” for a variety of reasons. If I am not mistaken I have another blog about it.

Go check it out, it’s cool.

Also check out the other blogs so you can catch up on ALL OF THE FACTORS that bring us here today or yesterday.

Since, “my illness” read the about section of the blog. Yes I plugged my own blog three times in less than a page so you should really read it all and tell a friend

I have been cut off from outside socializing.

The good thing about that is I found out who my real friends were. The bad thing about it is wondering how honest I am supposed to be.

So I decided to be positive. Being positive will help me heal quicker. So for the most part, I stayed really positive.

I don’t typically discuss my “relationship situation” on Facebook as that part of my life would either make for a great romantic comedy or a horror movie (depending on which one of my “family” you would ask.

But when I get together with my sister Keinya (HEY KEI!! this is YOUR FAULT TOO!!!…LOL) I vent and she gives her hilarious and sometimes refreshingly different perspective on current events.

So yesterday, I had a bad day.

A real bad day.

And Keinya made me laugh with her perspective on my “relationship situation” because sh*t, it was FUNNY.

Not to mention the person I was speaking of would have NO IDEA I was speaking of him/us as he is no LONGER my “Facebook Friend” and my page normally is private.

The irony of that last statement is the person whom I was “dealing with/the “other half”  saw a post from my brother, whom I love dearly, which unknowingly started a diatribe on my Facebook that caused the “other half” of my “relationship situation” to delete me from his Facebook.

And my brother said the negative energy I put out there is up for grabs and “people will talk” about how I “acted” or what I wrote and that “I look weak”.

I am not weak; I have/had some weak moments. Which by the way were funny as hell.

At least to me and Keinya.

If anything, if you factor in ALL of my life and the things I endured I am anything BUT weak.

In my opinion, all expressing myself did was make me appear human.

Sh*t, I know people who have created a whole “cyber existence” separate from who and what they really are to me THAT is weak; so me being real and raw can’t be as bad as being deceptive and cruel.

So for the people who “may talk about me” which I find hysterically funny, because I do not have a celebrity status so the fact that I may be a source of “gossip” for people makes THEM look sad, not ME.

I will continue to be me. Talk about me, delete me, but they will never know about me unless they ask me and I decide to tell them.

What I eat, don’t make them sh*t, and vice versa.

And in my brothers’ own words:

Motherhadem Motherf*ckem.

PEACE and ShineON.

By peacefulblessedstar Posted in Sparks